16 YEARS

Today marks the day that God determined your mission on this Earthly plane had been accomplish.

This day 16 years ago in the hospital, I was numb -- at the age of eight, you may consider it to have been more confused than anything. One minute you were with us, the next Daddy and Reggie were balling their eyes out. I went in to see for myself and from that day to the funeral everything is black. I can't remember what I felt, I didn't even cry.

What I can recall is that the years following, I was hurt. Angry, because you left. Because I believed that God decided I didn't deserve a Mom.

Death is a hard pill to swallow for anyone but imagine it at such a young age, of such a vital role in life. I didn't know how to cope or even express myself. I downplayed your return home to God, said it was okay when others sent their condolences. Expressed that I hardly knew you and it didn't affect me much. Oh, I was wrong -- unaware. I hated everything, constantly questioned my worth, rejected God and hurt those who only wanted to love me.

I am not proud of the heavy-hearted soul that I had been, but I am aware of how she became.

Losing a loved one is difficult, painful, even traumatizing. In the midst of it all my actions weren't even clear to me. By reducing the event of your death, I also reduced my ability to truly heal through the pain. Instead, I shadowed it and allowed the anger to build, creating someone that I didn't even like. I relinquished my power and allowed myself to harden because it was easier than facing what troubled me.

Healing is hard. But healing is necessary.

I can honestly say, until a few years ago, I had not realized how much trauma I'd collected along my life journey. Unintentional, unexpected and even some expected but not at all addressed. It is easy and even common to compartmentalize and "forget" past events; but that does not reduce their effects.

Healing requires much discomfort. It is not for the fainthearted. Healing is a never-ending process and it is healing that produces true self-awareness.

It is because of self-awareness that I was even able to smile in the picture above at your gravesite.

Before my journey, your death amongst others were that which I'd choose not to discuss. To me it was just a guaranteed part of life and not for me to understand. There were even moments I felt that maybe it was a personal attack from God on me.

BUT; Knowing what I know now -- I have a lighter and healthier view on death. Unlike life, death is guaranteed, we all know that to be true. But what we tend to forget is that each and every one of us, though we are connected; are here for our own individual purpose. Our mission. That of which God placed us here to complete and it is not until then do we return home.

Though it may seem to be possible, no one leaves this place prematurely. Whether we are sent here to bring another close to God or to create a brand new world; once that is accomplished -- young or old, we will return home. We can return home because we have done our due diligence.

Every story I hear about my mother it involves how fun, kind, creative and legendary she was. I don't feel those stories are due to "not speaking down on the dead", but because with every person she surrounded herself with, she made a difference with them.

For me? She had been the catalyst in my life; helping me to become who God placed me here to be.

• She ensured I nurtured my relationship with God as an individual

• She read with me -- increasing my intellect

• Taught me to play spades -- keeping me attuned with my culture

• Danced with me -- as an expression of freedom enhancing my love for music

• Spent time with me -- doing my hair, homework, birthdays

These moments may seem small, but they were essential to my very being. In her borrowed time, my mother loved me in every way she could. She celebrated me in ways that until recent, I'd been too insecure to. She introduced me not only to what family is but what love looks and feels like.

After losing her, I had become quite disconnected and in all of these 16 years I have had to work incredibly hard to return back to love. To be who I had always been under the trauma I had once allowed to consume me.

Seeing me today, I know that she is happy. Excited that I have once again become a being a love and light. A woman who is aware, loving and celebrates herself. A woman of Gods own making.

L O V E.