FEBRUARY MARKS A CLEAN SLATE

There's no doubt that January has been the longest year of my life thus far. Seriously, there has been so many endings and beginnings, ups and downs I'm just wondering when it's going to end.

I can't help but view January as my trial run to see what this year will bring and thus far I can conclude the vision of 2020 to be:

1. The only time I have is now.

2. If I give them an inch, they WILL take a mile.

3. Solitude is my only way to ensure self-care.

I can say that my mindset to choose a new month as a clean slate is not ideal; it's kind of like when I say: "I'll start homework at 3PM", then 3:05PM hits and now I have to wait till 4PM. (Don't even try to pretend like you don't do this). But this is my current mindset and I'm working on being my most present self. Acknowledging is the first step.

I bring this message today, because this past 24 plus hours have been hard. After the legendary Kobe Bryant's death, I can admit even I have felt a certain stillness in the air that I cannot grasp an understanding of. Today has heightened my awareness and so I have recognized the many faults within others that have not only been projected onto me to "fix" but also a feeling of entitlement exerted due to my relaxed and fostering nature. Due to this energy I have been placed in an uncomfortable state of being.

Today I have felt the emotions of frustration, anxiety (onset by feeling crowded) and overall irritation because I have failed to nurture who Ahnessa is.

Due to my ability to introspect I am well aware of what is going on here. I am flustered that I have once again neglected myself for the appeasement of others. This appeasement was not asked of me, it is never asked of me; but it is expected. Thus, if I give them an inch they will take a mile. But there has to be a shift, there will be a shift as this way of life leaves me exhausted. It leaves me in a space of low vibration and I'll be transparent -- I am the strong friend no one checks on. Not only am I the strong friend that is seldom checked on, it is difficult accepting the help when it is offered. Solitude. Alone time is what I need. Time with self and time with God to better serve His people and myself.

Lastly, there is no better time, no time, no option but NOW. Procrastination has been my right hand ever since I can remember. I am not proud of this, but once again acknowledgment is the first step. After this January there is no way I can possibly continue on with this method. My experiences this month are screaming "MAKE THE MOST OF YOUR NOW", and I must listen. I must listen because the impact I desire and will have in this lifetime requires my present self to work toward my future self. #MambaMentality

Faith without work is dead and I am still within the bounds of my 6 month challenge. I got this.

In the last days of January, I will be formulating my plan of execution for February. I will be practicing with the expectation that when February 1 rolls around I will hit the ground running. I can recognize the different aspects of my life that I have allowed to spiral, but I cannot allow that in this year. I experienced and learned many lessons in 2019. In 2020 I refuse to cycle back through what I have grown through. Being aware, present and intentional is how I am coming for this year and the many to come.