A THOUGHT

So I am working. Working on myself, to the greatest extent.

Finding my place in this dimension mixed with my knowing of the many others. It's hard. Tedious, to be honest. But I'm working.

I've had to remove myself from the outside; somewhat of a fast is what I'd call it. To remove myself so that I can truly see and feel the energy that I allow to bother me. By clearing my space of the outside world, I give myself the opportunity to enter a state of purity where only my energy is radiating. This is great. Calming, to say the least.

I have to flow in the direction that is true with my authentic self. Go with my first instinct, because that is what makes me who I am. Remember no longer watering myself down? Yes, that's still a movement.

I have to recognize that though we are all connected, I was not placed here to be another's safety net. I was not placed here to ensure your comfort nor fuel your ego.

We are connected, but we are all individuals. With different missions, which must be focused on by that specific person and them only. It is not up to me to lead you into that mission. If you become inspired and so moved to walk in your truth and work on your mission due to my energetic ambience then so be it. But I will not try to make you see what is for you. As you must see it in a fearless manner to even put in the work to become all that you were placed here to be.

This is not a message to not supporting one another. As I've said, we are all connected. Our missions may run parallel or even intersect at a point. But as a third party in your journey, that is all I will do unless requested to do otherwise.

It is not within my interest to insert my abilities to enhance unless I am asked. Why? Because interfering with your journey indicates that there is something in my realm that needs my attention, but I am ignoring it. To think that I could or should be "making your grass greener", when in fact my grass is ever-growing and is required to be tended to daily, means that I am stunting my own. Not to mention, it screams ego.

There is so much about myself that I have yet to learn or see. I am working to shed myself from this third dimensional egotistic view of myself. It's fairly difficult as you must detach yourself while still being attached in some manner. This is why I have remove myself and clear all other energies.

I can confidently say that I was placed here with an inner-knowing that I have to connect better with and master. Honestly, this is an exciting time as everything I am learning as I am working just consistently creates "aha moments" and I love it!

16 YEARS

Today marks the day that God determined your mission on this Earthly plane had been accomplish.

This day 16 years ago in the hospital, I was numb -- at the age of eight, you may consider it to have been more confused than anything. One minute you were with us, the next Daddy and Reggie were balling their eyes out. I went in to see for myself and from that day to the funeral everything is black. I can't remember what I felt, I didn't even cry.

What I can recall is that the years following, I was hurt. Angry, because you left. Because I believed that God decided I didn't deserve a Mom.

Death is a hard pill to swallow for anyone but imagine it at such a young age, of such a vital role in life. I didn't know how to cope or even express myself. I downplayed your return home to God, said it was okay when others sent their condolences. Expressed that I hardly knew you and it didn't affect me much. Oh, I was wrong -- unaware. I hated everything, constantly questioned my worth, rejected God and hurt those who only wanted to love me.

I am not proud of the heavy-hearted soul that I had been, but I am aware of how she became.

Losing a loved one is difficult, painful, even traumatizing. In the midst of it all my actions weren't even clear to me. By reducing the event of your death, I also reduced my ability to truly heal through the pain. Instead, I shadowed it and allowed the anger to build, creating someone that I didn't even like. I relinquished my power and allowed myself to harden because it was easier than facing what troubled me.

Healing is hard. But healing is necessary.

I can honestly say, until a few years ago, I had not realized how much trauma I'd collected along my life journey. Unintentional, unexpected and even some expected but not at all addressed. It is easy and even common to compartmentalize and "forget" past events; but that does not reduce their effects.

Healing requires much discomfort. It is not for the fainthearted. Healing is a never-ending process and it is healing that produces true self-awareness.

It is because of self-awareness that I was even able to smile in the picture above at your gravesite.

Before my journey, your death amongst others were that which I'd choose not to discuss. To me it was just a guaranteed part of life and not for me to understand. There were even moments I felt that maybe it was a personal attack from God on me.

BUT; Knowing what I know now -- I have a lighter and healthier view on death. Unlike life, death is guaranteed, we all know that to be true. But what we tend to forget is that each and every one of us, though we are connected; are here for our own individual purpose. Our mission. That of which God placed us here to complete and it is not until then do we return home.

Though it may seem to be possible, no one leaves this place prematurely. Whether we are sent here to bring another close to God or to create a brand new world; once that is accomplished -- young or old, we will return home. We can return home because we have done our due diligence.

Every story I hear about my mother it involves how fun, kind, creative and legendary she was. I don't feel those stories are due to "not speaking down on the dead", but because with every person she surrounded herself with, she made a difference with them.

For me? She had been the catalyst in my life; helping me to become who God placed me here to be.

• She ensured I nurtured my relationship with God as an individual

• She read with me -- increasing my intellect

• Taught me to play spades -- keeping me attuned with my culture

• Danced with me -- as an expression of freedom enhancing my love for music

• Spent time with me -- doing my hair, homework, birthdays

These moments may seem small, but they were essential to my very being. In her borrowed time, my mother loved me in every way she could. She celebrated me in ways that until recent, I'd been too insecure to. She introduced me not only to what family is but what love looks and feels like.

After losing her, I had become quite disconnected and in all of these 16 years I have had to work incredibly hard to return back to love. To be who I had always been under the trauma I had once allowed to consume me.

Seeing me today, I know that she is happy. Excited that I have once again become a being a love and light. A woman who is aware, loving and celebrates herself. A woman of Gods own making.

L O V E.

FEBRUARY MARKS A CLEAN SLATE

There's no doubt that January has been the longest year of my life thus far. Seriously, there has been so many endings and beginnings, ups and downs I'm just wondering when it's going to end.

I can't help but view January as my trial run to see what this year will bring and thus far I can conclude the vision of 2020 to be:

1. The only time I have is now.

2. If I give them an inch, they WILL take a mile.

3. Solitude is my only way to ensure self-care.

I can say that my mindset to choose a new month as a clean slate is not ideal; it's kind of like when I say: "I'll start homework at 3PM", then 3:05PM hits and now I have to wait till 4PM. (Don't even try to pretend like you don't do this). But this is my current mindset and I'm working on being my most present self. Acknowledging is the first step.

I bring this message today, because this past 24 plus hours have been hard. After the legendary Kobe Bryant's death, I can admit even I have felt a certain stillness in the air that I cannot grasp an understanding of. Today has heightened my awareness and so I have recognized the many faults within others that have not only been projected onto me to "fix" but also a feeling of entitlement exerted due to my relaxed and fostering nature. Due to this energy I have been placed in an uncomfortable state of being.

Today I have felt the emotions of frustration, anxiety (onset by feeling crowded) and overall irritation because I have failed to nurture who Ahnessa is.

Due to my ability to introspect I am well aware of what is going on here. I am flustered that I have once again neglected myself for the appeasement of others. This appeasement was not asked of me, it is never asked of me; but it is expected. Thus, if I give them an inch they will take a mile. But there has to be a shift, there will be a shift as this way of life leaves me exhausted. It leaves me in a space of low vibration and I'll be transparent -- I am the strong friend no one checks on. Not only am I the strong friend that is seldom checked on, it is difficult accepting the help when it is offered. Solitude. Alone time is what I need. Time with self and time with God to better serve His people and myself.

Lastly, there is no better time, no time, no option but NOW. Procrastination has been my right hand ever since I can remember. I am not proud of this, but once again acknowledgment is the first step. After this January there is no way I can possibly continue on with this method. My experiences this month are screaming "MAKE THE MOST OF YOUR NOW", and I must listen. I must listen because the impact I desire and will have in this lifetime requires my present self to work toward my future self. #MambaMentality

Faith without work is dead and I am still within the bounds of my 6 month challenge. I got this.

In the last days of January, I will be formulating my plan of execution for February. I will be practicing with the expectation that when February 1 rolls around I will hit the ground running. I can recognize the different aspects of my life that I have allowed to spiral, but I cannot allow that in this year. I experienced and learned many lessons in 2019. In 2020 I refuse to cycle back through what I have grown through. Being aware, present and intentional is how I am coming for this year and the many to come.